My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
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[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue