My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
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[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Hamburger Hinderer.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY