I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
You Might Also Like
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.