A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
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Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.