no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
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My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Tony Hawk, age 6
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”