If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
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When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day