Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Kids: Stay in school.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.