Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
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Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I’ve been drinking.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I’m not alone. I have ants.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.