NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
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For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.