Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
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watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated