Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
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As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
So we got a goldfish…
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.