me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
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[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!