Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
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I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?