Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.