Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
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[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1