Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
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-Hot Pringles in your area
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.