*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
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One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA