Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
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I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
sir, my pâté if you please
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER