Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
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Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.