“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!