Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
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Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Happy Thanksgiving
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.