i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
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This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled