Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
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Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.