I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
The Backseat Boys
Have kids, they said
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
“Sheer Arrogance”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
screw you
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.