If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
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i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
found this cool rock hiking today
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative