*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
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MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.