I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
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If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Baller is short for ballerina