*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
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Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
courtroom exchange of the day
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.