Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
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Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.