Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
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the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
there has never been a better use of this meme
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
much to think about
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???