Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
You Might Also Like
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.