You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
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WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Festive toon…
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur