[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
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[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Meow
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Sombrero is better than nobrero.