If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
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It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Perfect.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche