came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
You Might Also Like
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it