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Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.