I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
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[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Monday
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.