My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
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Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?