“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
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Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
bout dat hot dog summer
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Life is a suicide mission.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]