Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
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The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
😂😂
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt