[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
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Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Me too, bag. Me too….
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
[Infomercial]
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AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.