They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
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“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Cndnsd Mlk
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
cats when you pet them too long:
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes