This fish is cracking me up
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Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?