‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
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*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!