If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
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Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Florida be like…
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
“You’d better run, egg!”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently