Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Banking tips
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Duolingo getting serious.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins