As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
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stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t