the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
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Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
#SaturdayBears
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
All set.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.