A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
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Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
#FunnyLife Insects
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Are you ok, human???
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving