Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
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Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
(Gaming support cat.)
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.